spring 2006
The Human form:
In art It only takes a few lines to suggest the human form and when these lines get extremly distorted we can still see the human form and accept it as such. Yet in reality if these lines get the least bit distorted we do not see the see the being and the being it's self but rather the distortions of their form? Are we always scanning and probing one another subconsciously looking for things out of the ordinary, distortions of the human form?
Is this a learned trait or a deeply engrained primordial instinct looking for sines of weakness in our enemies as well as our comrades?
I can say from what I have seen our reactions and unwillingness to question forms which differ from the norm are learned. Take for instance A young child who sees a Person in a wheel chair who asks their mother "whats wrong with that guy why is he in a wheel chair?" The mothers first reaction is to hush the child and hurry them away so as not the offend the person in the chair. Which from what I have seen is more offencive than the question it's self! This also perpetuates to another generation the Ignorant reactions to the unknown.
You are probably asking your self what sparked this questioning of the unquestionable? On a resent outing I was approached by a lady form a much older generation who started asking totally ignorant and patronizing questions about some whom we were helping. This made me start to think why do we tend to ask people questions about other people instead of asking the person directly. This leads me to yet another question why is it that we, as a species, clam to like to talk about our selves but yet rarely do people ever ask others whom have the least bit distorted human form about their physical being? Another reason for righting this I started hand cycling last spring and noticed drastically different responses from different generations. Youth who were unaccompanied by a parent or guardian reacted enthusiastically and thought the handcycle was cool. People of an older generation looked down and when they did comment it was generally in a patronizing tone Granted this a generalization their were some older people who had the same enthusiastic response of the children. Youth who were accompanie by a parent would look in wonder and questioning until their parent pulled them aside "out of the way".
Is a helping hand a Patronizing hand?: Humans try and use their full resources and abilities and what we (AB's) May see as a helping hand may be seen as patronizing and degrading. For example I was at a friends wheelchair basket ball game and apologized for not getting the door for one of his team mates who is a low level para. This was met with a dirty look and a grunt. This maybe going out on a limb but from this incident and others like it I have found it is best to quickly gage the situation and act accordingly, some times it is best just to let them get the door for you or let the door shut behind you as if an AB were flowing you General rule of thumb If some one can do something and has the situation under control don't go out of your way to help them.
He who is the most vocal in his piety is he him self the greatest fiend:
I have noticed that when some one totally despise some one for a certain character trait that that person generally ends up expressing the exact traits them selves which they fined so appalling in those whom they despise. One example of this is an acquaintance of mine who totally despised his mother for being a total drunk he him self turned to drugs and alcohol. Another trait which this individual could not stand was those who talk about others behind their back yet when push came to shove he was the most guilty of this. Does this go to show that what we preach as our morals and ethos most valiantly are just a cove for our own shortcomings?
I am no exception one of my pet paves are people who are totally annoying and never shut up. If there voice is one which is quite unplesant to lesson to it only exacerbates the annoyance. Which is why I fide my self routinely saying to my self "shut up Jason you are becoming the annoying little fucker who no one wants to lessen to you". This is because I fide my self quite unpleasant to lessen to and can not understand how any one around me can stand the sound of my voice. This leas me to the question is what we loath about others just a subconscious amplification and redirection of our own self hatred.
6/2006
The flowing is a digression into why I am what I am today.
I guess these feelings of alienation come from yeas of psychological torture and abuse from my peer group growing up. Before entering school I can remember grokking the stoner's that my dad hung with in the mid 1980’s and I have always had an affinity for people of an older generation. During my school years I learned one thing kids are not innocent they are demondspond from hell. During kindergarten they discovered my written language skills were seriously retarded and put me in the slow class which to this day I can not spell for shit, however my oral vocabulary was impressive for some one of age 5. Needless to say my pronunciation of these words was less than desirable. For this and the above mentioned short comings in written skills I was held back in kindergarten. In addition to being held back many of my peers (such as Jason Whesse no need to protect the guilty) took great pride in calling me names like retard and mocking me which lasted until graduation. This coupled with the physical assaults which occurred on every class trip which the teachers stood idly by and could not be sutured in to action despite my bitching (yes I was a whiny little bitch) is what led me to become a some what introverted recluse with the opinion of fuck em all.
On a more cheerful note their were several others who went to my school and endured similar verbal assaults but were lucky enough to have parents who could move away to bigger school systems where they could fade into animinity.
Why am I a total fucking social retard? (a continuance of my digretion 7/20/2007)
It may bee as my mother stated ~15 years ago “you will probably need years of a good shrink to recover ...” This in reference to the psychological abuse form my grade school and high school class mates. I am always weighting for the other shew to drop.
It ma also bee the fact that I never relay had any friends growing up.... except one who just used me to score some cash (rob me blind)... But never any to runaround with at all hours of the night raising hell and getting in to mistuf or just hang with, as would be considered a normal adolescent behavior. To quite the contrary my attitude my senior year of high school was fuckem fuckem all.
All of my acquaintances seem to be those of my father. For most of my actions (ie. Scouts and the like ) was him living vicariously threw me. Evin out of high school I find it virtually impossible to cut the umbilical cord. I find my self a virtual shut in drone watching the years slip by faster and faster with little sign of change ... spring pushes out old man winter sumer heats up and fads to fall and then we are right back to old man winer.
End of digression
I have found that the only way that I can find my self, that is to find out who I am and where I want to go is to physically loose my self. That is from time to time I need to drop in to a town and start wondering around aimlessly being steered only by whims, seeing what there is to see and doing what there is to do.
9/6/06
Who the fuck am I? what am I and wher the hell am I going? These are the questions I finde my selfe asking more and more. I have found my selef teadering on the verge of braking out in to my own finactualy but it seames to easy and formulaic path to riches laied out before me that something insied of me keeps saying It must be a false path. Some times I feal would be easer to be suceld in a cread not so long frogten, however their is something inside of me wich prevents me from feading on the opiem of the masses and taking the fomulaic aproch to life and living by the resipe books of life such as the bible , tora or the koran.
Is it wrong to see the world for waht it is one convoluted jumbled up pice of shit and reconiseng my own insignificance in the greater cosmose. For when I look out and see man running about touting his sucesses in cokering this and that or eachother I must ask so waht? waht does it me that a few paricideic creachers on some rock in a small corner of the galaxy have done. Threw ought history failing to reconise our owne insiginfacance has been a major stumbling block to our own progress such as _________________ being ostersised for sujesting that the earth was not the center of the universe.
So what is it that dirves me forward? I must say it is the same universal drive that propells all men forward GREAD. This comes as a controdiction to my previous statement questioning the significats of man's achevements in the greater cosmose.
Why is this is it I am to therly enculcated in the western monny grubing culture?
The previous is not to say that I am totaly devoid of all sperituality. I do beleve tahat their is sometihng greater than man in the univers. To think othre wise is scary as hell to imagin that we are the grates cognanent force in an infinent univers when we cant even conquer our own wants needs and desires. Their for theri must be someithg elso or some one else out thier. However I do not beleve that it is any of the named deities that curently rule the way that man behavel twards his felow man. Who have forced him to spill the blod of his own brothren in their name.
I beleve that all these have been created by man to controll his felow man. For it is easer to strike fear in to the harts and mindes of men by pointing to an unknown external force rater than a phisical being whos power, stringths and weaknesses are well known. For instance it is esy to scare a kid by telling them the buggy man will get them who is a non existant force crated for the expressed purpose of scarinng kids.
This why tarism works so well they only hafto strike fear into the masses once and then thoes who want to exploiet this fear only need to remide the hoilpoli of the inital atac and they are bowing to the desier of thoes who wish to "protect them."